Forgiveness is never easy, but perhaps the hardest person to forgive is ourselves. For some reason, we don’t always think we are worthy of forgiveness. We may judge others harshly, but often not nearly as harsh as we are on ourselves.
Several years ago, when my first marriage ended in divorce, I was adamant I was not to blame. I remember thinking I wasn’t unfaithful; I wasn’t verbally or physically abusing her. I did my part to financially support the family, holding down a full-time job in broadcasting at the time. I thought I was a good father to our daughter. How could she ask for a divorce? Still she left, won full custody of our daughter, and eventually moved out of state. I was devastated and very angry at my ex-wife for a long time.
Over the years, I had time to think about my failed marriage and what had really happened. With the help of a wonderful counselor, I began to piece together the puzzle of why my ex-wife left. My counselor was able to help me see how I had transferred to her the role of my mother… instead of my wife. I have seen this many times over the years in visiting with other couples. We love our mother or father and when we marry, we sometimes expect our spouse to take over that role in some form. In my case, my mother had been a very caring person, doing many things for me. She loved to cook for her family and, if I am honest, I must admit she often went around picking up after me when I was a teenager. Can you see where this is going? In hindsight, I could look back and see where I had expected my ex-wife to do many of the same things. For a while she did cook and clean like my mother. Only difference was… my mom was a stay-at-home mom, and my ex worked a full-time job. When our child was born, my wife rebelled at our current arrangement. Imagine that.
As the picture of how my marriage had failed became clearer to me, the guiltier I felt. Not only was my wife gone; my child lived in another state, and I saw her once or twice a month, usually for a weekend. Guilt led to anger at myself. I couldn’t forgive myself for what I had done to my wife and my child… to our family. It was over 30 years ago; I finally had a discussion with clergy at my home church in Tulsa. I shared with them how I couldn’t forgive myself for being so selfish and immature in my first marriage. I still remember my pastor’s response like it was yesterday. He simply said, “God has already forgiven you… shouldn’t you do the same?” He was right. If God could forgive me, how could I not do the same?
In this Lenten season, who do you need to forgive? Is it your name at the top of your list? By the grace of God, He can forgive you. Maybe you should too.
Rev. Dave Poteet, Pastor of Congregational Care
