But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore, I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me. – 2 Corinthians 12:9
The first time I remember singing, I was 5 years old and belting out “Tomorrow” from the musical Annie in a talent show competition. I honestly thought that I had performed on Broadway; I even told my kindergarten teacher that I had performed on Broadway just that weekend… which understandably confused her.
Singing was always a way for me to express myself. If I was full of joy, raging with anger, sad as can be, or even simply content, I always felt there was a way to sing that fit the feeling and occasion. I never thought I would be without this ability, this freedom… I thought I was invincible.
I started losing my voice regularly around middle school. By this time, I had played Annie multiple times, and my voice was no longer able to sustain multiple shows in a week. The truth was my voice was damaged and unless I screamed, the sound was hard-pressed to release easily. I began auditioning for colleges for musical theatre, and quickly realized that something was wrong, which was only solidified when I arrived at my chosen university and my vocal professor said, “You need to go to the doctor and get scoped”. This is a singer’s worst nightmare. The doctor confirmed what I already knew deep down: I had vocal nodules. I had two choices: (1) go on complete vocal rest for 6 months or (2) have vocal surgery. The risk of surgery was that it’s a delicate process, and I could lose my ability to sing if anything went wrong. I decided to go with vocal rest, but that meant 6 whole months of complete and total silence – not being able to express myself in the only way I knew how.
Fast forward to present day. That time of silence was one of the sweetest times in my faith. I grew in my relationship with God in such a beautiful way and it turns out if you have forced time in silence, you can have amazing conversations with the Father. I had a massive realization that my identity was entrenched in being able to perform and without that, I had no idea who I was or what value I brought. It took that silent time with God to reveal to me that simply being with Him was enough. Being me was more than enough to bring God joy. I learned to love pieces of myself that otherwise would have gone unnoticed. That time in silence also provided me the perspective to fall in love with singing and music in a different way… you know what they say, distance makes the heart grow fonder. I fell in love with music for what felt like the first time, because I could really hear it this time without needing to place myself in the way. I am thankful every day to God for the gift of being able to sing for Him and to know that quiet moments can lead to beautiful music.
– Kelsey Paul, Downtown LifeLight Worship Leader & Arts Administrator
